


It Would Feel Like Infinity

by paynekinkliam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angry Liam, Angst, Flashbacks, Infinity, M/M, Sad Liam, Songfic, Zayn Leaves One Direction, idk literally cannot describe it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 18:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4887700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paynekinkliam/pseuds/paynekinkliam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How many nights would it take to count the stars if the only one that mattered was lying half way across the world from you? So close yet so far out of reach...</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Would Feel Like Infinity

_How many nights does it take to count the stars? That’s the time it would take to fix my heart._

Almost too many… _almost._

When you think about it, _‘almost’_ is probably the glummest word in the English language; we _almost_ went, he was _almost_ mine, we _almost_ had it all. _Almost;_ it’s the embodiment of the feeling that failure brings. If losing when you’ve tried your absolute hardest could be put into one word, it would be almost.

Or at least, that’s what the thoughts in Liam’s mind relayed to him.

Zayn was _almost_ here with him.

You’d think that lying underneath the northern sky on a starry night would be one of the most relaxing sensations but for him, it was far from it. Sure, silence is golden but too much of it can lead to noise as well; the resonance of thoughts buzzing- the sound of overthinking. Quiet is just as, if not more, violent as noise is.

Could his world have been different if he’d worded things differently? If he hadn’t been so caring about Zayn’s wellbeing, would Zayn be here next to him right now, admiring the stars? Would he be there with him and would he gaze towards the vast expanse of ocean in front of them? Would the silence be more comforting then? How could Liam possibly admire the stars when his own one was half way across the world, probably processing the same thoughts as him now?

He took a gulp out of the bottle of wine positioned next to him, sitting up so that he could jot down lyrics. This was how he liked to write; out in the open air, the sounds of the ocean echoing in his ears. It was the sound of the waves that drew him to this particular spot; he’d always loved the moment before the waves crashed onto the shore, the silence that permeated the vicinity. The crash would follow not long after; it was a cycle, a cycle that he could never grow sick of.

_Oh, baby, I was there for you; all I ever wanted was the truth._

He’d described it so vividly; the words remained glued to Liam’s mind. Then again, almost everything Zayn had done had had a similar effect on Liam. Memories of Zayn were like a drug; he’d overdose on them and in those moments, he’d feel like he was on top of the world but the crippling impacts of them came once his mood dampened; they tore him apart more than Zayn himself ever did.

Perhaps it’s because memories are just wounds left unhealed? Some don’t bother you as much whereas others make you wince with pain and even the smallest touch, or in this case, smallest reminders, can trigger the worst form of heartache.

Memories and wounds are no different and Liam had learnt that the hard way.

~~

_Going faster than a million miles an hour; trying to catch my breath some way, somehow. Down to Earth…It’s like I’m frozen but the world still turns. Stuck in motion but the wheels keep spinning ‘round; moving in reverse with no way out._

“How do I cope with it? You know I love it all but it’s getting too much now; too much, too quick. I just can’t keep up with it y’know?” Zayn softly whispered, tracing circles over Liam’s hand, comforting him as he spilled his own darkest thoughts to the one who’d always been there for him.

He had no doubt in his mind that Liam would listen without judgement but at the same time, he feared the worst. What if his jaan, _his life_ , slipped away? What if this was the catalyst that would lead to the end? In a world full of uncertainty, it was essential that Liam remained by his side; he knew for sure he’d crack otherwise. The visible damage of stress was already showing; dark circles, thinner figure, and fatigue in general…he knew he didn’t have long before his body would give way. His body was like a bridge; one side attached to his past and the band and the other side attached to the future and the possibilities. Yet, even the strongest of bridges can break and the damage of that can be too extensive for repair. Zayn was aware that that could be a consequence of his decisions. He’d either need to remain with the familiarity and stress of his current job or cross the bridge or familiarize himself with the alien, “better” environment.

“What are you leaning towards?” Liam asked, curious of Zayn’s opinion of this situation. He’d always had this defining characteristic in him; he was considerate of the emotions of those around him. Zayn let his mind to ponder on the question for a few moments; both had their pros and cons.

He wasn’t particularly a hasty person, that’s what had led him to conclude that the present situation wasn’t fitting for him. It’s like he was almost numb, processing the events around him. The world didn’t allow for that though, it kept on turning but instead of turning to a better tomorrow, it was turning in reverse; undoing all his efforts and simultaneously, wearing Zayn out as well. It was almost like a butterfly life cycle, the only predicament being that as the chrysalis unwound, so did all the security of the world and the end result was worse than the original.

“Leaving,” he murmured. It wasn’t distinct but it was enough for Liam. Who knew how one word could have so much impact on you?

Zayn looked up at Liam, appreciating his eyes. Zayn had always shown particular fond for Liam’s eyes. He couldn’t phrase it; there was just something that continually drew him back in. It would be these eyes that he’d miss gazing into every morning, these eyes that he’d miss pouring his soul into, these eyes that he’d miss radiating happiness. Perhaps it was the fact that he could tell exactly how Liam was feeling from one glance; yeah, that was it. For now, they were clouded, tears threatening to spill. The way they concentrated on the inanimate object on the table between them confirmed that he was confused.

Only one thought ran through Liam’s mind yet it seemed to have encapsulated his entire spirit.

_Now I’m one step closer to being two steps far from you._

“And is that final?” Liam asked, disrupting the silence that had blanketed the two of them. The only sounds that could now be heard were of the clock ticking on the wall behind him. He could feel the love of his life slipping from his grasp, the harsh reality that nothing lasts forever sinking in, its scars becoming more and more evident.  It wasn’t the commitment that worried him, it was the distance.

_Two a.m. What a funny time..._

Usually, the two of them would be giggling and speaking of how hilarious something had been but twenty four hours have the potential to change a lot. While it may have only been last night where they were speaking of the show they’d just played, it seemed like an entire lifetime away.

Without further ado, Zayn nodded, confirming his decision. Liam uncomfortably shifted in his seat, his worst fears dawning on him.

He knew that he had played an important role in Zayn’s final decision but even then, he didn’t know how he should be feeling about them. Deep down, he knew that he should be feeling happy that Zayn would be following his heart but what can one do when it inevitably means that the thing they prize the most will be torn from them?

Call it selfish, he didn’t care. Liam knew he didn’t have many moments left with Zayn, at least, for the time being. It was Zayn who had decided to part from the fast paced life that came with being a part of the band, not Liam. He was still very much a part of the now four-piece; that was in spirit, for a part of his heart had clutched onto Zayn’s the second he’d made the decision.

His departure was hilarious, for all the wrong reasons. Liam couldn’t comprehend how Zayn could simply just leave him and just as quickly he’d entered his life, he was gone; gone in a heartbeat, taking a heart with him.

They say the worst form of pain is betrayal; they’ve obviously never heard of separation- separation without consolation.

~~

_How many nights have you wished someone would stay? Lie awake, only hoping they’re okay?_

He’d spent countless nights with wishes being made from a different location almost every day. Some things are easier said than done; he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t let this impact him as much as it was impacting him now. If he could turn back time, he’d change one thing and that would be to have made Zayn stay. Sure, it seems partially selfish however without Zayn, there was no sunshine in his life. It was just a relentless routine of events; shows, writing, travelling and repeat. He knew this is what he’d signed up for on day one and it was a part of his responsibility now. He just craved that one bit of familiarity that kept him going; Zayn.

_Eyes can’t shine unless there’s something burning bright behind. Since you went away, there’s nothing left in mine. I feel myself running out of time._

As he scribed the lyrics down, the lyrics that were pouring out of his soul much like the tears had once Zayn had finally left, he couldn’t help but feel a tightening in his chest. Zayn’s name quite literally meant ‘beauty’, something that he’d brought into Liam’s life when he’d first met him half a decade ago. He brought with him the beauty of happiness and the beauty of hope; two things which had previously been lacking in Liam’s life and he’d ignited them in his heart as though they were flames. Yet, they couldn’t shine unless the one who’d ignited them was still there. That’s essentially the lesson that life had provided him with; you can’t burn without the passion. His passion, his Zayn…long gone…

He’d tried so hard to stay strong and according to those around him, he’d done a good job. He hadn’t crumbled…yet. However the boys had noticed; how could they not? They noticed everything. They noticed that the usual glint of his eyes had long gone- the characteristic of Liam’s that Zayn had grown to love so dear.

He’d gone and with him, he’d taken all sense of life, ripping Liam of it as though he were an object that could be tossed around. He could feel himself running out of time; after all, how long could one endure heartache like this?

Chuckling to himself, he thought about the harsh reality of life; nothing is forever. He’d always been told to count his lucky stars and despite the number of them in the sky that hung above his head, he’d always looked around him. He knew the heavens had a plan for him but it would be impossible to count the stars above his head. Even the four brothers he’d gained along the journey had done too much for him. He couldn’t count, for it would take forever and even after that.

Letting out a deep breath, he hastily scribed the final lyrics of the song before closing his leather-bound diary.

_I never counted all of mine; if I tried, I know it would feel like infinity._

 


End file.
